Same Old Pain

    Patterns. One thing that I really hate about the life I lead. I keep falling into the same damn patterns, no matter how hard I try to extricate myself from them.      

    As a 41 year old adult, I honestly thought I would have at least figured out a way to keep these patterns from happening. Although, if I have learned anything in the life I've lead so far it's that happiness is fleeting. It's there one minute and gone the next. So, when the patterns start all over again I fall into the same dark place that always accompanies it. 

    Once again change has happened with our family. Our oldest child moved to another state to reside with his father and our youngest son has moved back in with us. My kids are in their 20's, so it's a lot different than when we were actually raising them. 

    I'm trying my best. I really am, but I just feel like no matter what I do either my son or his father is upset with me. We had an issue with the oldest and his girlfriend. She was here nonstop whether my son was or not. Then when he came back from college she moved in without there ever even being a discussion. Now I know that is on me. I am the parent and could have spoken up at any time, but I didn't. We were trying to keep that from happening again, at least that's the impression I was under. 

    The first week after move in our son's girlfriend spent every night but one and was here all throughout the day as well. She was also here all day Saturday when my child was at work. Now I know this seems petty and small, but I just feel like its a bit for how young the relationship is. Not to mention I barely know this person and I'm in my home alone with them...that just doesn't make me comfortable. I trudged through it though. Didn't want to be the asshole, but I felt severely taken advantage of. 

    So this week I started saying no to the overnights. Said she could stay her until 8-9pm trying to compromise. It was not taken well. Our son started giving my husband attitude for my decisions, which in turn made it so that my husband was upset with me. It's a pattern I've been in before. A pattern I loathe and never wanted to repeat, but here we are. I tried talking to our son last night, reminding him that we talked about this before he moved in and it was discussed that a couple nights a week were fine, but not all the time. We also discussed that she wouldn't be left here while he's working. Yet, somehow I'm the bad guy once again in the situation. 

    I don't think the conversation went well last night. I don't think my son really cares and just wants what he wants. So I'll do what I always do. Go into survival mode. I'll sacrifice my happiness so that there's no conflict within the walls of the house. I'll tiptoe around like I'm the visitor, so that others will be more comfortable in my home. 

    Yes, I sound meek, weak and like a stepping stone. Whiney first world white girl problems. I know. The thing is though, this is the only way I can clear the feelings at least a little bit. To bring a touch of lightness to the shoulders that struggle to hold so very much. I'm a lot strong than I appear, but I'm also so very tired from the journey to get here. 

    So while this may come off as just some nobody complaining about something so insignificant in a world that has so many bigger issues, it's not. It's my small way of helping myself and maybe, just maybe, finding others who are going through something similar. I love my family dearly, but the patterns that have developed over the years just break my heart. Being a parent truly is the hardest job you will ever love.